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So it's been a true month since I emailed an update though there is one below this that I wanted to announce but not bother everyone. What a month ... 2 months away from another Jude visit, stay and wait .... I have learned so much this month. While today I celebrate my son's 21 months old .... we lost another baby on our protocol. I know I asked for prayers for Ana Sofia .... she is in God's arms today.....I am thankful I got to see her a month ago in Memphis .... I was able to touch her leg and say property of you Lord.....I hugged her Momma and I walked away just defeated from her room .... I just can't comprehend it .... I remember being in that very same room for an inpatient stay .... it was so hard to walk away and I came back the next day to say goodbye.

I learned this month from a very close cancer Momma, that no matter how bad I might have it, and all the stress and worry sounds like a broken record of someone NOT thankful ... I was told by someone I hold dear that lost her child this year, "Remember what life was like before cancer .... it's kind of like that" .... when you lose a child she meant ..... unaware .... I have thought over those words carefully for the last week. I have been so very close with so many families and felt pain over each child, but they were not my children. Did I lose sensitivity to life and this horrible world I was tossed into? - or maybe she was right, as horrible as it all is, the stress, waiting and fear were simply nothing compared to the shoes she has walked in .... that many parents I care about and love have walked in.  I have seen both sides of this coin but still, not mine. I have cried so many tears over the ones that have earned wings, but still they were not mine. No matter how close I was to watching so many parents walk this path ... was I still blind .... "YES" ... it was and is not mine .... and I sounded like I complained over what they would give anything for , one more moment , one more hug , one more breath.... this lesson almost cost me a friendship I treasure .... thankfully ... it did not, but thankful I learned it nonetheless, so time surely not wasted but learned through trying to identify the pain ....

Different levels of pain with the word "cancer" I am not going to throw some peom at you right now ... I HATE CANCER .... I HATE WHAT IT STEALS .... the word alone is crippling in so many ways .... I write here hoping that I might reach out further than the empty screen I write and pour my heart into and I pray that people see the devastation of these diseases .... no child should suffer.

While my son exhibits a look and profile of perfect health I praise the Lord for ... !!!

Doesn't he look filled out from the child that was bald in Decemeber's photos .... we take absolutely NOTHING for granted and we learn daily to accept that we can't change anything .... its all in God's control.

We had an interesting week after removing his Mickey button, she last post. It seems fine until I stared using a little cream to help it ... made it worse and reversed it. So back to nothing and bandaids and its going much better.

So this was the day before Fathers day and we went to eat at the club...he looks chubby right? but really he;s only 26lbs. and only in the 50% for his weight so it isn't crazy its just him without chemo ....

Our lives without chemo .... its hard to grasp but glad its over! Long year .... I ask you al to pray this was his curative and that he never has to go through any of this again .... he's been through it all ... and today .... I just want him to enjoy being a normal 21 month old child.

This was yesterday ...... hes just a ham .... we adore him and while we have moments that scare us still .... we are trying to let them pass without rushing to phone a doctor .... I text with another cancer Momma tonight that lost her boy a month ago ... I told her what my dear friend said and her reply was, "its like you know when you imagine going through it, but then it a million times worse .....its nothing I can describe ..... " So I leave you all with this profound lesson I hope I never have to cross that bridge in my life .... The reality is that I have seen it so much that fear fills my JOY more than I would like to admit and I am trying so hard to give it to God .... it's just harder when you have in fact seen it all over and over and over again ... she said to me he's got to be the one that makes it ...someone has to beat the odds .... she then followed by saying ... the future is not certian for anyone .... even the "cancer free" the healthy ..... try to enjoy it all ....

So today .... 62 days away from Judes cold halls .... I an going to be HAPPY .... I will thank God ..... A special prayer for all the families that lost children year to date .... and a special prayer for the new ones that will arrive and enter this world soon that will be healthy and well .... Today was a BLUE ribbon celebration for my friend .... I love you my sister ....

Thank you Lord ... for lessons ... can you make them easier to learn? Please bring CURES ... watch over our boy and heal him from treatment .... never allow cancer to touch him again.

Thank you for praying and loving us and our son ... following his journey because you follow more than our boy ... I have dragged you into a war that we fight by praying and sitting through results for so many children .... let us all grow from this .... In Jesus' name ...

AMEN!

Still feel like you NEED to do SOMETHING ... donate to the right it goes to St Jude .... GOD BLESS