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Hi all, well as you can imagine Mondays meeting with our doc paralyzed me - I guess you have to chalk it up to everything happens for a reason!

Last night my primary called and said no one is concerned with secondary growth or cancer at the brain tumor board meeting - it's simply radial changes that happen and can resolve ( I think I started breathing again).

The spine inflammation has been an issue since last May so we knew it may need to be addressed - so Today I spoke again with Dr Boop from neurosurgery and the syrinx surgery seems more of a gamble if it worked and it may need to be repeated multiple times - he talked about a 3rd ventricle ventriculostomy which may temporarily fix these issues or a shunt that indeed will resolve all the issues but that's a permanent thing - while we have avoided a shunt for almost 3 years - we are actually relieved that we have a solution and it will aid all issues - the best part is Nicky has no symptoms from inflammation and he is cancer free !!!This procedure is nothing like the syrinx surgery it is a one over night stay and released - it is the most common procedure a neurosurgeon does. He also said the other area is just radial changes. (whewwww again)

My doctor tossing guesses out to an educated momma was not appropriate until they knew especially with fatal guesses at that - I read the reports today and they only say subtle changes, more than likely radial changes - so far off from what we were told leaving Memphis devastated believing we had no chance - surely it has made us more grateful and even more humble than we already are - we will be making decisions tomorrow but this is not bad news !!!! It's just something that Nicky needs and we are totally ok with that! So pray for a quick recovery where ever we choose to do it at. ? thank you so much for your support prayers and love!

So let me share with you our little guy before MRI Monday ..... our tears have stopped God has showed us the power of prayer AGAIN ..... please continue to pray as we will scan in 8 weeks again.God IS Good All of the time ....

I know how overwhelming this has been for some of you .... for us - it stopped our world. Tonight we waited for St Jude and our entire team to sit in a room for Brain Tumor Board meeting and review Nickys case. The Oncologist, Radiologist and the Nuerosurgeons all met to discuss our little man.I need to thank everyone for your texts, private messages, your emails to encourage us and your love and support .... we are blessed!!!! Sorry that we can not respond to all the amazing messages you sent us!

Monday night I left St Jude DEVASTATED ... that's an understatement truly, I came home and contacted doctors and emailed them and I just couldn't wait for them - I needed to do something for my baby. I sat with a fully charged phone for an hour waiting for the St Jude screen to light my phone up. It was our doctor that said that everyone agrees that the surgery is needed on the spine -  FINE .... bring it on!!!! So we are again packing in a few days to go for a 4-5 possibly 6 day stay in Memphis.

She then said there were mixed views with doctors believing that the two issues could be connected. Our radiologist in Jacksonville said - it would be such a rare situation that these two oddities are happening at the same time without being somehow connected. Through him I learned that our Jude radiologist also leaned that way. With that being said Neurosurgery was not convinced that they were connected. Our doctor said this surgery is going to have everyones eyes on it, it will be interesting to see how this plays out and if in fact the area of concern clears up and resolves itself because in radiation it can and does, we have seen it ourselves. While everyone agrees there is no solid answer physiologically as to why these two areas at the same time had issues ... lets see what this surgery does. 

With that being said ..... THANK YOU JESUS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ..... I asked are they still considering that this is a possible secondary cancer or anything growing.... her answer was no, they are just radial changes - it would only be concerning if if kept changing when it could resolve itself as most of the post radiation things eventually do.  DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT THAT FELT LIKE ????? I have been reaching out to families with tumors in that locations for questions, signs, what to look for .... Nicky has not one symptom.

A test of faith .... NO DOUBT .... and still nervous about the surgery - of course ..... praying this surgery relsoves both issues is a huge possibility and a relief that I can not being to explain. I am GRATEFUL FOR GODS MERCY .... Prayerful that this surgery could be the key to resolving this inflammation - even if it is gradual. I have the right surgeon and I know GOD guides his hands .... Please keep praying ... because this wasn't a big bandaid on this situation any brain surgery is a big deal and healing and pain management is a task I am ready for - anything for my NickyBear. We are planned to go to Jude either Jan 23 or 24th for meetings with them and then Surgery is 7:30am Jan 25, 2013.

While no I don't wnat him to need at surgery - he needs it and I know God like he always has will show his mercy and have HIS HANDS ON IT. Because that is what he doesn't even in the scary storms .... He is ALWAYS with us. My husband reminded me of that while I wrote to Beaumont Hospital for records to be released to Boston Mass - regardless of anything - Dr. Yock will be meeting again on Wednesday next week with her Brain tumor board and reviewing Nickys case. You might wonder why I would still do this and work my butt off to get them everything ...... I want the best - this is my baby this doctor see the most proton radiation children in the world and I want her voice on this and she will now be our second team working with St Jude, she will review his scans and be another sound voice. Our Doctor did speak with Dr. Yock today about us and well they all know that this MOMMA doesn't stop when it comes to her Bear ..... I was already working away at records and getting the best this world has to review him. The rest we must leave in GODS HANDS.

I wrote this last night on facebook :::::

Its not about trying harder---- some of this only happens through prayer---- We are powerless to anything except prayer and that is the MOST we can do - we can not confront evil on our own, we are not that good, but prayer- engages is with the power of heaven - I believe, but help my unbelief - stand with us in prayer for our son our beautiful Nicky - thank you Pastor Jamie-Kim Kjos for these words I just watched from this Sunday we missed but were able to watch upon returning with our hearts in knots - please when we are weak intercede in prayer for us believe he is healed because we are going to do our best to believe ! Satan you will not touch our child! He is from the Kingdom and God will not let him be harmed - if I travel with evil - I will not leave without CHRIST - prayer moves the hand of God - this is the book of Mark

While I leave this entry ---- We never got to share the news we got an hour before the results ..... we were told in May that Nicky had lost his hearing completely in his left ear, so for 6 plus months we thought that his hearing was gone and his right was weak ... he proved that God again is ABLE ..... he can hear from both ears and his hearing is not as strong on the left but that he qualified for hearing aids on both ears - we were amazed that what we thought was gone forever - God has restored .... I need to say that Mays result was a flat line no response at all on the left you should have seen our faces when we knew he could hear ...... THANK YOU LORD ....

While we still have mountians to climb and still need to pray for this area and surgery, please help us move mountians in prayer  ..... prayer is an amazing thing and the only weapon we have and I am so blessed to have an amazing husband that has been here every single minute with me, praying and supporting me being that crazy mom reaching doctors and wantings something to hold on to.

Please pray this surgery is quick, successful and healing is swift ...... I can not ever being to thank you all for your continued prayers ..... PLEASE KEEP THAT PRAYER CHAIN UP ..... long weeks and healing ahead  and a scan 8 weeks from now so we will have more answers and prayerfully - we look forward to hearing NED again - which by the way this scan was NED ( no evidence of disease)  .... with a spin of stress and questions.....

We love you for loving our son .... I will update after the next review from Boston next Wednesday before surgery next Friday .... so we will keep you updated as much as we can.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.... so I realize I haven't updated since the last scan report, I apologize for waiting so long to update you all.

To start this Sunday we fly into Memphis to arrive at St Jude's to head to the medicine room, which acts like an ER after hours there so that Nicky's labs are done and he has been assessed for his MRI. His MRI is Monday morning so here is how we ask you to pray: that he remains cancer free, that the inflammation they saw as stable in his spine will be gone or greatly improved - that no infection will be present in his body - that his hearing and vocal cord are restored completely. Our Lord can do it all so we ask you to pray these requests for our Nicky.

(photo above in October a legofest) To update you Nicky has been a joy, growing ( 3 inches in 3 months lol and 3 more lbs too ) he is happy and loves to cuddle. He knows exactly what to do to get what he wants now - he solves everything with a hug, kiss and a big Muah sound lol. He is really funny when he is done with anything, or doesn't like the channel or doesn't want to be somewhere he waves and says, "BYE" repeatedly waving  and looks at us like get the point lol.

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( This is a Halloween moment)  He has mastered iPads, IPhones and APPs , he can take photos and videos too and its mind blowing he knows how to get to his favorite games and plays them and has a thing for YouTube, even when we delete the history he somehow knows how to find these CAR Disney Pixar toy reviews! Crazy! His memory is spot on!

He also loves to wrestle with Daddy and Christian. This Christmas he was so into opening presents, all you could hear him repeating was, "Whoa Whoa, what's that?!?!" Oh Oh ... What is that!!! ". It was really cute to see him so excited and honestly trying to rip open everyone's presents lol - he surely caught on this year!

On a different note, he has yet another nasty ear infection that led us to ENT yesterday. We aren't sure why he's having chronic ear infections but it has happened the last 4 scans that he just seems to get these bad ear infections that last 2 weeks. Because of chemo he's so resistant to so many antibiotics that he needs really strong ones to help rid him of these infections and his immune system still is not where we hoped it would be by now so it just takes longer for him to recover. We are relieved that all the symptoms of the inflammation in his spine he exhibits none still which would be balance issues and fatigue. He is a ball of energy bolting up and down the multiple levels of stairs with no help at all and he rarely takes a nap anymore. On a side note we are hoping to see audiology at St Jude if not then back here to have Nicky fitted for a hearing aid on his good ear, we believe his normal hearing range may now be an issue with knowing he lost his hearing in his left from radiation over the last two years. Just one one the many scarifices to have his beautiful face here is all that I need to remind me that these things are managable.

As for the holidays, we are grateful our son has enjoyed them and that we are all together. I am constantly reminded of the parents entering and dreading the holidays without their children. For some it is their first year without them, others its been 2 years but feels even longer. I can't help but cry because I can see their faces, each one as I write and my heart bleeds for each family. We have many children so sick and some on hospice --- long days for these families praying for one more day every day. It's difficult to not mourn with them for them and still balance being grateful for how far we have come. It's an emotional roller because of the love I have for these families and children.

I am trying to keep my posts as light hearted as I can because I have been told my posts, the reality is just too much for the people following our Nicky. I will not apologize for paying respect to the children we have lost and continue to lose. Like I said I am "trying" to keep these posts as light as I can too.
 
I will close with this, a Momma I love that lost her son this summer sent an email to me a few days ago. Her company is matching every dollar up to $25,000 donated to a 5k run with all proceeds going to St Jude brain tumor research. That gives them a chance at raising $50,000. I was choked up when I told Nick about this - it seems that finding a cure heavily relies on the parents effected by their child's diagnoses to carry the burden - it was said in another interview from TheTruth365.org from parents losing their son - it becomes the responsibility for us as parents to pound the pavement to raise awareness and funds to help our children.... That comment stuck with me reading Luca's Momma's email. I told Nick it hurts me to see parents that lose their child fighting so hard for us still to have a cure, yes they do it to honor their children that they greatly miss - but they do it so that they carry out a mission placed on them - truth is it should be everyone's responsibility to pound the pavement and it shouldn't take parents of a child who passed away to carry us all. How many times have you heard me says 46 children are diagnosed a day? 7 die everyday. While on Dec 14, 2012 our nation watched in live time in horror that 20 innocent children were gunned down among the adults in a senseless unthinkable crime. While I can not imagine a massacre in such magnitude - I still can't imagine 46 children are attacked by diseases that have no cure - that children are tortured through unthinkable treatments while parents pray that the drugs or radiation will be a curative.

 
So while Facebook is lit up with gun control comments, can't we try to focus on awareness for cures for the 46 children who will be diagnosed today and every day there after until we have truly found cures.

This is Luca's 2 minute video - I hope you will stop to watch it and if you have funds donate and if you can't - pray - pray that 2013 will bring amazing cures that God will gift researchers with the treatments these children need!

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Thank you so much for your continued thoughts, prayers, support and generosity! Kisses to Heaven, to Luca and to all the little angels who are with him.

I will try to update from St Jude when we arrive or on Monday after the scan results! Please again pray for our NickyBear and every child fighting a life threatening disease!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us in 2012 and we pray for 2013 to be a year of healing, renewing of our hearts and continued compassion to be the voice for these babies. We ask you to bless our followers for their prayers and sometimes praying on our behalf when I crumble over news of another child gone too soon. Lord give us the strength to continue to support other families and to grow in your faith daily. We seek miracles and we know you are a God of miracles ... Please keep our Nicky cancer free and without inflammation! We give all glory, honor and praise to you and we thank you for each person that is reading this blog ....In Jesus' name Amen ...

Not our typical update - far more concerning and I just truly am scared.

There is any area in the pons/ the brain stem area and it has radial changes and is abnormal.  This was not there last scan from what my doctor said.

They have never seen it before 2 yrs out from proton and they are all concerned ( 3 doctors looked at it already). What this means is that while he shows no sign of relapse - it is not ruled out what they are looking at is not a secondary cancer induced from radiation. Our doctor even brought up that it is like DIPG, though she has the DIPG tumor Doctor look at it and he doesn't believe that is it that but agreed this was abnormal.  For those of you that do not know the term DIPG it is a type of tumor whether cancer of not that grows in the brain stem and is lethal and there is no treatment to cure it. Children diagmosed with that disease have a 0% survival rate. For her to even compare this abnormaltiy to such severity when my doctor knows I am so educated in brain tumors was really concerming - because I understood everything she said. She is 100% this is abnormality is radiation induced.

I am numb..... I am praying to God is it nothing at all .... but terrified, She will be consulting with Boston and speaking with Dr Yock and MD Anderson as well since they have not seen this before.  As if that wasn't hard enough to hear she said its reassurring that  he is behaving normal and looks great, then follwed that comment with if he has swallow breathing, you notice him snoring or becoming limp or one sided weakness this is signs that cause for immediate attention to us ...... ( those signs are the signs of any type of brain stem glioma and are all lethal diagnoses because they are non operable, thus treatment only holds it at bay for so long.  I am sorry if my last post was all over the place I had 5 minutes to write it and was surely not expecting this news at all.

We just got home to process this and jumped on a flight immediately. The second issue is that the inflammation has grown from two spots to one larger one that does require surgery so we will be back in Memphis for this in the next week or two  - THIS IS NOT CANCER AND NOT RELATED TO THE ISSUE ABOVE. Again I can't wrap my head around any of it so please just pray for us and pray to God that this spot is going to be nothing concerning. 

All I can ask of you is that this new concern be prayed over and over .... because I want my son to LIVE .... so I beg you to understand that this is scary and real and we are going to be on our hands and knees praying over this ..... we truly ask you to do the same for him. Thank you for all your texts and voicemails and facebook posts ..... My heart is torn tonight and my mind is racing ..... I will write more when I hear more from the doctors.

NO MATTER WHAT GODS HAND ARE ON THIS !

It all starts at check - in, but first I am in awe I am sitting at home today looking at the time and knowing I was suppose to be sitting in a waiting room after surgery or recovery with Nicky. GOD IS SOOOOO AMAZING.  .... don't you like knowing the ending to this update first though? (smile)  ... if you don't read below - MRI CLEAR ... Surgery CANCELLED!  I want to update you on the entire trip that we expected to stay for a week longer.

Nicky and I arrived on Thursday and checked in and scooted to the hospital to get accessed and a stop at the triage. It was the first time he was willing to get on the scale alone and do his height. I was so proud of him being such a big boy. We then have our first follow up visit at the endocrine clinic. The endocrinologist said the only reason we haven't met them yet is because everything with Nickys labs so far show that the treatment has not effected his growth. This is such a blessing.

3bday3They try so hard at Jude to make things welcoming this was our room while we waited for the doctor. We played while waiting but the wait was a little longer than Nicky liked so we walked - thats nothing new at Jude - never walked more in my life than that campus.

So his levels are all within normal ranges, his growth is all within normal ranges. The doctor said she would call with the newest labs but never did. I can only assume they were good!

So we finished the night off in normal Grizzle House fashion - Domino's pizza and the playground. this picture says it all - this kid is a happy boy!

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3bday5He wasn't thrilled with the idea of having his port in his chest all night to I talked him into more playground action to keep his shirt on. The following day was the MRI and well - I wasn't the happiest person because Nick's flight was delayed, then canceled and then switched planes. I didn't know if he would make it or not and I just wanted my husband with me.

This photo is the morning of the MRI in the waiting room next to what I call the NEMO fish tank because every NEMO fish is in there. It is a distraction but not when you are waiting 2 hours. He wasn't happy and Momma ... yeah me too. But we finally got back there and got him in the normal MRI Tiger jammies.... he was being good for a while until we realized 45 more minutes of sitting in the same room. Crayons get boring quick.

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So we got to hang out with Dr. B and I just love this man ... so kind and gentle and an Angel truly with sedating babies - he's just a gifted doctor! You can tell just by his gestures and how he holds them and interacts with them - he never forgets a child ..... one of Jude's greatest right here!

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As you know the results have me just in awe today ..... thankful .... grateful ... humble .... thanking God .....

Nicky slept the whole flight there and the whole flight back ... couldn't have been easier to travel with. Still just so happy to be home, and I was so happy to walk into Brightmoor my church on Sunday! Just wish Nick could have came.

We only left with one thing we wished was a little better and that's his counts still not healthy enough to endure chancing him being in a school or around other kids. His ANC is 1600 and this is almost 2 yrs after proton and a year and a half after treatment. We will take our small issue and shut up!

So his Birthday we WALKED .... he turned 3 and we walked with so many on our hearts including our son. 3bday- we have yet to throw a party but did have cake privately for him and got him a few gifts to celebrate God giving us another year to be so grateful for.

He's finally exicted to open things so next year we will have one great big birthday for this little boy.

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Oh how he loves CARS .... its awesome - such the little tom boy all the way. I want to tell you about the walk .... it was amazing and instead of posting a bunch of photos - here is the video. To my contributing donators I can never thank you enough .... my walkers - you inspire me because you walk without knowing this total impact but took the time off to be with us when that means the most to us and to our prayer warriors .... we need you to keep the faith - you inspire us too when we are weak. God is great ... God is Good ... God has a plan .... sometimes we just can't see it.... But this you can.... I loved that our Pastor put us over the $2000 mark and we had to rise the amount and raised it again and again .... Nicky was the 2nd place higest donations raisiing  $4,165.00and our team .... $5,665.00 total .... GOD BLESS EVERYONE THAT HELPED US ... HUMBLED is an UNDERSTATEMENT! If you can't see the video below click here ! VIDEO HERE

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