I wrote my update about us leaving Monday below this one-- its 10:36pm Sunday .... it has been a really long day .... sometimes its just tiring .... I think I hit the wall when my oldest wanted to make something in the oven and almost burnt his hands and I waited with him with tears in my eyes and finally hung my head and apologized for all the times I am weak - is it fair for a 12 year old to console his Momma?

I was sad today and haven't slept well in I can't remember thinking about Nicky being poked and keeping it in and managing the daily routine they expect of him and thinking I AM SOOOOOOO "Bllllleeeeeep"ing sick of this @$#%!  Can I be human ever ! Then my dad called to pray with me and I could hear his tone how sad he was for me - wishing he could take this from me and he can't ..... while I could barely breath through my tears and I just kept saying I am so sick of him going through this and being so afraid.... I hate cancer ..... I know my Dad knows  how painful it is to hear me crying and not be able to fix it for me .... its the same way I feel with my Nicky ....and my summer has been consumed by it, yet we truck along make plans, smile and try our best to ignore the beast that is considered a possible passenger we never want to ever endure again.

I was sick to my stomach reading an update of another mother today that lost her teenager 6 months ago ..... the local paper, nor the school, or his friends even recognized his absence from the gold league - something this young man LOVED  and what a horrible feeling for her to endure, and Aaron Bell is her only child ..... I found myself so emotional over it ... sad .... I told another friend I mentioned I had to go to St Jude and they said again? aren't you done ...? WOW .... I sure wish there was a DONE and HES GREAT ..... I want people to stop being ignorant .... at least the people I know, just because hes not on chemo or bald doesn't mean we drop our guard,.. what a hard weekend ... did Nick and I miss things we would want to do YES!!!!! But getting past this boulder once again is all we can see ... so HELP US ... PRAY that MOUNTAIN MOVES .... please ..... Faith is tough ---- the hardest lesson is blind faith and we repeated get the same test ..... help us ---- pray for us to let God sustain us .....I told my Pastor sometimes its a stranger and sometimes its our church but we need it to carry us all so please ... keep praying .... we need this so very much with the babies coming .... GOD BLESS AND READ BELOW ....


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