balloons6Wow he would have been 6 this year. The pain grows deeper than I ever imagined, but so does the love in that 4 1/2 years he belonged to us. 

 
I get sad when people assume I'm strong, no actually I'm not, my husband picks up the pieces of the new version of who I am.
 
I can't believe I can't hold him, touch him, kiss his sweet face, dance with him, wake up to him ordering me around - he might have been tough but he was not just my son but my best friend in so many ways that I would have given anything for him to stay. We miss him in our home, his dada misses him too .... His laughter, giggles, dancing and our target or toys r us runs almost daily if it wasn't an online item we were suckered in always gave him everything even if it was a race car track in China we paid - he was one of a kind...... NIck never complained he just let me keep buying crazy toys no matter what we just wanted to keep him smiling - what an awesome husband and dada.
 
He was and forever will be our Nickybear ....... I miss his cuddles and I miss my boys voice and mostly his hugs !!!!! Not many knew him but our family we knew his many smiles and learned to understand his deafness.
 
A year an a half later and I still cry everyday. I tell him I love you I miss you .... I hope he can hear me :( 
 
For the people that tell me how to grieve or my so called pity party - imagine losing anything you love most then times it by 1000% that still isn't enough. I mourn all the things he could be doing, how fun he would have with the twins. Watching Christian play games ..... There is no answer to how anyone grieves but you should never ever judge them to watch my son suffer was the nightmare of my life and my husbands and as a family have to figure this new bullshit normal out without him in photos that he should be in. This just sucks. The twins turned two and all I could think of is the party should have been all 3 of theirs. After all they were 11 days apart. 
 
We are doing a balloon release tomorrow Sept 20 at his grave site at 12pm. Anyone is welcomed to come that would like to send a balloon and love to our boy. We will be there less than ten minutes so it's just sending some love and balloons to our sweet boy. His real birthday is Tuesday but we choose to do it on a Sunday so more family and friends could come. He loved Elmo so we are doing Elmo colors actually any color is fine let's fill the sky with a rainbow of balloons.
 
Oakland Hills Memorial Garden
43300 W 12 Mile Rd,
Novi, MI 48377

Near the intersection of W 12 Mile Rd and Novi Rd

(248) 349-2784

He is in the far back in the Orthodox section

 
elmo
 
A special thank you to the dark blue balloon Kim you always think of him I had it filled for tomorrow. An another very special thank you for my sister Nicole I miss dearly for sending a balloon ready to go it needed some air but they helped me so it can go .... I miss you hopefully he will share with baby wade.
auntie
 
And as always kindly I ask that for one day on Tuesday his birthday you change your profile to his sweet face ..... only 24 hours though some of you leave him up always it is so heart warming to see him and the love from our friends....... thank you for for support always .... and Hetty thank you for this photo..... truly ..... We will never forget all the little things to the biggest things everyone has done including cards and letters still .... thank you for loving our boy ....  Sept 22, 2009 - March 9, 2014
...b6

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