Today is May 22, 2014 - I wish this date never existed because 4 yrs ago I sat in an OR room with family at 4am while Nicky had a temp shunt placed .....

mommabear


People ask how are you, where are you? You don't answer.... It's because I can't so forgive me I'm struggling between a new Facebook account of not and I can't, because even though we friended so many during the worst days .....support and love were there .... From friends and strangers....it makes it impossible I feel guilt not being able to post the twins or Christian, but I can't. I miss my son so much it hurts.... its our last photo shoot together above ...

The twins turned 8 months old on may 11th I just didn't see a reason to be happy .... they beat the 8 month curse their brother had .... and it seemed off.

It will be 12 weeks this Sunday since I held my son, I'm broken .... Never the same .... Feel so far away, I visit him and still feel alone..... I am human .... I try to shut it off but this void is unbearable. he has somehow managed to play the song, ALL OF ME everytime I enter or leave him ...

My husband is at times supportive, but it's short lived (grief is hard!)  - he can somehow resume normal things while I feel stuck in a time warp and just wish I could hold Nicky. I wouldn't golf or watch tv shows .... I just dont really care .... men and women are very different.  NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THE BOND I HAD WITH THIS CHILD .... GOD gave me the instincts when I knew and Nick told me I was wrong ... I knew again and I guess I wanted to believe Nick ... but MOMS KNOW ... its something God gives us. I knew the moment he took his last breath... I told Nick and hospice. This bond is something no one can even touch, its mine and he was mine and we were so in sync ..... I felt him even when he couldn't tell me ... this is something I learned to deal with because the Mom in me hurt I knew what the storm looked like and I could do nothing but love him. While the rest of my world, even my own family said everythings fine and I KNEW .... nope not this time. :(

Nicky,
I promise to not stop what I started and I know we will stop this from happening again my sweetest love of all my life. I pledge to you my eternal love and the boxing gloves won't come off until this personal fight is done .....your Momma won't stop till we fix this baby.....

All my love to you my precious boy!
Nickybear's Momma

For those of you that still follow thank you ..... You have no idea how much energy I keep putting into this and will - Nicky did not deserve this......NO CHILD DOES .... Danny Thomas the founder of St Jude would be so ashamed of the production of a true labor of love has turned into .... its not what he would want and the truth will be exposed ....

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